


The Royal Family

by rolloverbeethoven



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Annoying Roger Taylor, Brothers, Depressed Brian May, Family, High School, Mother Hen Freddie Mercury, Perhaps a parent dies, Sad, Shy John Deacon, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-10-25 20:07:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 15,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20730020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rolloverbeethoven/pseuds/rolloverbeethoven
Summary: An au where Freddie, Brian, Roger and John are all brothers.Gets pretty sadWARNING: If you are triggered by mentions of self-harm or suicide or anything like that, please don't read, it comes up quite a bit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys like it :))
> 
> Pls give me feedback! I love hearing from everybody <3

FREDDIE

He had been only a year old when his younger brother Brian was born. He remembers being taken to his grandmothers, and then being greeted with a new baby. His parents said he absolutely lost it, had a tantrum, because he wouldn't be the centre of attention anymore. but he loved Brian. He always had, and always will.

He had been two when his younger brother Roger was born, this time both Freddie and Brian were at his grandmother's house. Freddie didn't remember this at all. His parents said that Freddie was elated meeting Roger, having another new sibling to play with. His grandmother said that Freddie played with Roger for about ten minutes before retiring back to the playroom to smash blocks against each other.

He had been three when his youngest brother was born. This time, Freddie's grandmother was out of the country, and they went to stay with an aunt instead. It was annoying, because he already had to compete for attention with his two brothers. He did NOT want another one. But his parents never did care what he wanted, and with that, John was born.

Freddie was now sixteen, he turned sixteen last month. His parents took his whole family down to Brighton, and they stayed there for a week. Freddie had lots of fun. He got along really well with his brothers. His parents had always been really interested in music, and his father, who was a psychologist, had once taken part in a study showing that children who learn instruments are better at academic endeavours, so he forced them to learn an instrument each. Neither him nor his brothers had a problem with this, and his father, for christmas, gave them each an instrument of their own. Freddie got the piano, Brian got a guitar, Roger got a drum kit and John got a bass guitar. They often learnt other instruments as well, Freddie liked singing, Brian played their uncle's electric guitar, Roger liked playing guitar sometimes, and to their family's detriment, had picked up the recorder. John sometimes played Roger's drum kit. 

Freddie's house was relatively large, but really, it was only just enough for a family of six. Downstairs, it was their parents and the main living room, kitchen and a bathroom, but upstairs was the brothers' domain. They each had a bedroom, and they shared a living room, bathroom and the music room, a soundproof room, so their parents could live in peace.

There was a corridor of rooms upstairs, and it went Freddie's room was furthest from the stairs, then Brian's room, Roger's room and John's room. Freddie's room was absolutely covered with posters of his favourite music artists and his own paintings and drawings. Freddie liked to paint, he was very good at it. Brian's room had two posters of musicians and one poster of the solar system. Everyone bullied him for it, what a space nerd. Roger's room was filled to the brim of pictures of him and his friends and family, and posters of models that he had ripped from magazines at medical clinic waiting rooms. Everyone begged him to take them down, but he never did. John's room was clean and always tidy. It had posters that Freddie had discarded to make way for new ones and old paintings of Freddie's. Freddie used John's room as a bit of a storage unit, and John willingly let him do it.

The morning was cold, as Freddie's alarm screamed him awake. He woke up immediately, putting on his trousers and shirt before skipping downstairs for breakfast. John was sitting on the couch, eating toast and watching cartoons. "Sup John?" Freddie yelled from across the room. "Shhhh! Mum and dad are still trying to sleep!" John yelled back. Freddie took his toast and sat next to John on the couch. "How'd you sleep, loser?" "Yeah okay, it was cold though." Freddie nodded, and went back to eating his breakfast.

A few minutes later, Freddie's beanpole brother slinked down the stairs and into the television room. Brian never ate breakfast unless it was already made for him. He was never really hungry in the mornings but didn't want to waste it if it was already there. "Good morning, idiot." Freddie greeted him, earning a slap on the back.

At quarter past eight, the three boys were standing ready at the door while Roger sprinted up and down the stairs, finally greeting them with a grin. He had messy hair and a half buttoned shirt, but he was 'ready' apparently. They set off on their way to school. _Thank God it's a Friday, _ Freddie thought. He couldn't handle any more days of school.


	2. Chapter 2

JOHN

After school, John pushed his way through the hordes of students bustling their way out of school across the corridor to Roger's homeroom. He had to wait five minutes, Roger had spoken back to the teacher and was forced to stay back an extra five minutes. When they got out, the two boys ran across the school, eager to find their two older brothers and go home.

It was a long walk home in the sun. The year was getting really hot, and John just didn't know how long he could take it this time. Last year, he fainted from dehydration and had to stay two days home from school from heatstroke. 

The three eldest boys jumped up on the veranda and John stumbled to the steps. "Wanna play cricket?" Roger offered, picking up to old cricket bat. "What a good idea, Rog!" Freddie shouted, opening the front door. Rog and Freddie skipped ahead, running to the back door and out into the back garden. "Wait! It's Friday! Let's all go to the park!" Rog shouted, turning around and running back out the front door. "Mum! We're going out to the park!" Freddie yelled out, received a muffled response from their mother, and ran outside.

They all grabbed the cricket equipment and raced over next door to see if their neighbours wanted to come. Freddie and Brian stayed to chat with their neighbours while the two younger brothers raced to the park to set up the wickets so they could jump straight into a game. Once Roger had finally set up the wickets, John accidentally tripped over his own feet trying to get the ball Roger threw to him, and knocked them over. "Nice going, klutz." Roger remarked, pushing him, "You're so annoying, Jesus Christ, that took me forever to set up!". Roger turned to John, angry. It was very like Roger to get angry over these things, he had a very bad temper. "Break it up, Rog, don't you lay a hand on him." Freddie ran over, facing Roger with quite the disappointed look. 

"He didn't want to come, said it was too hot and he was going for a swim at his cousins'." Brian explained. They swung straight into a game, Freddie deciding he was going to bat, and Roger deciding he was going to bowl. John and Brian rarely challenged this set up. Brian liked to field, to run for the ball, leaving John to wicket keep and field. "Guys, can we please go home now, it's getting really hot." John said, lying on his back. "Yeah, I guess we should go home." Freddie offered a hand to John and they started walking home. "Fred! Are you just leaving us?" Roger called, "My god, it's only some cricket equipment, or are you too weak, Rog?" Roger picked up the wickets while Brian took the bat and the ball.

Freddie walked into the music room, holding two sheets of paper that were essentially doused in black ink. "Very neat, Fred." Brian taunted. "My dears, I have written another song, let's play it." Ever since they got their instruments, the brothers began to write songs together. Most of them were horrible, just outlets for their emotions, but some were actually alright. "Alright, show us!" Roger snatched a sheet out of Freddie's hand and gave them out to Brian and John. John picked up his bass. His brothers always wrote him simple riffs to keep him involved, but they didn't write him anything elaborate, worried it might effect his self esteem. John appreciated the thoughtfulness but despised the doubt.

He looked at the music. He had two chords, in a pattern, alternating every four bars. "This is absolute bollocks!" John shouted before leaving the room, seeking out the comfort of his parents. John couldn't find his dad, but he found his mum sitting on the couch and watching the news. He went and sat with her. "What's wrong, John?" She asked. John's eyes started to well up as he discussed the reason behind his most recent tantrum. His mother just nodded in silence and sat back, watching the show. John liked how he could talk to her about anything, but he wished she would just offer a bit of guidance as to what he should do. He felt lost, and he felt worse after discovering that even speaking to his mother about it didn't help.

_I don't need them_ John told himself as he clambered into bed and silently cried himself unconscious


	3. Chapter 3

ROGER

He jumped out of bed with a bounce. It was a Saturday! He raced downstairs and poured himself some of Brian's cereal and sat at the couch to watch cartoons. He was surprised to find that he was the only one up, it wasn't that early. Usually his parents and Freddie slept in, but normally John and Brian were up and about by now. '_They must be in the music room' _he thought. Roger raced upstairs and into the music room, stumbling over an old amp. "Watch it!" A voice called from behind the drum kit. He peered behind the kit and saw his younger brother strumming his guitar. "What are you doing down there?" He asked. "I don't really know, just felt like it I guess." John replied. "Where's Brian?" "He's gone out, studying with his friends at the library." "What a loser, studying on a Saturday morning." John agreed with a nod of his head.

Roger looked at the bass part of Freddie's song. "Gee, he must think you suck, what is this, two notes?" John nodded his head sadly. "You don't suck, Freddie's just being an idiot, don't worry." Roger said, before confronting Freddie about the music. It didn't really bother Roger all that much, maybe that was all John could play, but a Saturday morning just wouldn't be the same without an argument from Roger.

"Freddie, what the HELL is this?" Roger yelled as he opened the door. He was very surprised to see that Freddie wasn't in his bed. "John?" He called, "Freddie's not in his bed, where is he?" John came in, "I don't know," John looked equally surprised, "Maybe he's gone to study with Brian?" Roger chuckled, "Don't be stupid, John, of course he's not with Brian. Freddie? Studying on a Saturday morning? Are you stupid?" It wouldn't hurt to look at the library though, maybe Brian knew where he was. 

The two boys walked to the library. Roger loved the town, everything was so close and everybody knew each other. They waltzed into the old building, walking past the huge shelves and into the studying area. The caught hold of Brian sitting next to his friends, speaking about math or something. Roger walked up to him and pulled his hair. "Hey loser, do you know where Freddie is? He's not home." Brian initially looked puzzled, but gathered his answer. "Can you seriously go away? You two are so annoying, Jesus. I heard someone on the tree last night. I thought it was you, Rog, but it was probably Freddie sneaking out. Try Simon's." Roger stood there for a second, thinking it over, "Can you leave please?" With a huff, Roger stormed out of the building, followed by John.

He walked two blocks and down the street to get to Simon's house. Simon's younger brother answered the door. "What's up, Jack? Is Freddie here?" Roger looked past the boy's shoulder, looking at the mess. There was definitely a party here last night. "Hey Roger! I think he's upstairs, I'll go get him for you." Roger stood on the patio, waiting for Freddie to come downstairs. Their oldest brother soon appeared at the doorstep, looking a little worse for wear. "Hey losers, let's go home." He said as he left. They walked home, dragging Freddie. "If mum and dad find out about this, Fred, you're going to be forced out of the house." John said, dragging a very tired Freddie home, "Thing is, dear, mum and dad won't find out about it, because if they do, I will tear you limb from limb." Freddie giggled.

They got home, it was only 11 in the morning, and Roger was already feeling too drained to argue. He sat at his desk, doing his science homework. He was doing genetics this year, and finally figured out why his brothers all looked so different. His teachers said it was very rare, but was possible, that their parents were heterozygous for almost everything. He was relieved, in a way, because Freddie always used to convince him and John that they were adopted. Roger didn't know if that was supposed to be an insult, but he did find comfort in the fact that his mum and dad were his biological parents.

He heard Brian upstairs, playing the piano. He decided maybe it would be good to take a break from homework and play his drums instead. He hadn't really practised in a while, he had been trying to learn the recorder, but that hadn't gone very well, and he irritated Freddie so much that he simply walked up to him, snapped it in half and threw it out. The worst part was, he wasn't even told off by his parents. His parents actually PRAISED Freddie for ridding him of the recorder.

"Are your songs always so depressing, Brian?" Roger . asked as he sat in his seat, choosing two drumsticks out of his collection. "It's actually making ME depressed too Brian. Did you know that maybe not everyone wants to be as sad as you. We're not all losers." Brian stopped playing and looked quite sad. All of a sudden, Roger kind of felt like taking it back. He still loved Brian as much as they all did, but he wasn't just about to renounce his dignity like that, so he waited for Brian's reply. "You know just how to start an argument, Roger. It's literally the only thing you're good at." And with that, Brian stood up and left the room.

Sunday was no more eventful. Roger just lazed around, doing homework and watching television. His weekends always blitzed by too fast, but schooldays always took so long, it felt an eternity between Monday and Friday, but it was the same for everyone, he wasn't different. 

As he lay in bed that night, Roger couldn't sleep. He was dreading going back to school tomorrow. He was teased at school, he never got good scores on tests, his 'friends' didn't even like him. But he had to get on with it. One day he'd show them. he didn't know how, but he would.


	4. Chapter 4

BRIAN

Monday morning was a dreadfully monotone as all of his other mornings. Normally Brian didn't mind monotony, he always was one for routine, but lately he'd just felt like he'd been missing out on a fun time while he was in high school. He was always mocked by his brothers for being too studious, too boring. They weren't wrong, he was a bit of a loser. Who goes to study on a Saturday morning? Who has posters of the solar system on their walls at age 15? He hadn't been to a party in six months, and the last party he went to, he was dragged along to by his friends. He left after an hour because he hated the smell of marijuana. He really needed to loosen up a bit, but he didn't know how.

He was feeling quite sad lately, but he couldn't tell if that was just lately or whether that was him. He used to be quite cheery, he remembers, but he's always had a sad look in his eyes. He looked at the clock, 6:15 on the dot. He was an irregular teenager, he was really lame. He couldn't imagine it any other way though, Freddie's always been the loving mother-figure, Roger's always been the rebellious and fun kid and John was always the loveable, suck-up baby brother. For as long as Brian could remember, he was the sad, shy and quiet boy who's parents worried about him a bit because he never really had any friends.

He'd begun playing the piano lately. Just for fun. Brian liked to teach himself things, knowledge gave him a sense of power he could never attain from anywhere else. Just last week he'd taught himself viking runes for the fun of it. He felt tired all of a sudden for no reason. He always woke up at around six, but he let the fatigue take him away, as he fell asleep on top of the piano.

Footsteps padded on the carpet, Brian woke up with a tug of his hair. "Are you okay? You're never asleep at this time." A voice chuckled. Brian looked up to see John. It was nearly eight o'clock! He rushed into his room to get ready, his racing futile because as it turns out he'd have to wait with Freddie and John for fifteen minutes at the base of the stairs, waiting for his younger brother to hurry up.

The four siblings made their way to school as usual. Brian's first class was chemistry. He always liked science, but he'd have to say that chemistry was probably his least favourite, mainly because of the teacher, who had it out for him the day he found out that he was of relation to Freddie. Brian's next class was English, and he sat, slipping away into himself. He hated English, it was unpredictable, untimed. There was no set answer, and no formulas to figure out a right answer. He nearly died of surprise when the deputy principal stood in the doorway and asked for Brian. The entire class made a sound as if Brian was in trouble, which was ridiculous, because Brian was never in trouble. He actually almost did die of surprise though when he walked out into the corridor . and saw Freddie standing there as well, visibly shaken.

Brian didn't have to wait to discover the reason behind Freddie's nervousness, he took one look at the vice principal and into his melancholy eyes and pitiful expression. Thoughts like '_Maybe Roger's just skipped class and they want to know where he is' _or '_Perhaps their parents were taking them out of school for today just to spend time with us'_ were racing through Brian's head to ease his own anxiety. None of them quite answered the look of pity and sadness in the man's eyes. 

Brian and his older brother followed the man into the principal's office and set their eyes upon their two younger brothers, whose cheeky and cheery expressions were immediately replaced with pale looks of worry after seeing Freddie and Brian's own expressions. 

The man sat them there for a bit, before choking a bit on his own words. "Boys, I'm very sorry to have to be the one to tell you this," he paused. Brian's heat was pumping at a million miles an hour, his brothers looked like similar things were happening to them. "Your mother has had an incident, she is in the hospital and I've been told that it's important for you all to visit her." Brian looked at his younger brothers, John looked like he was about to faint and silent tears were streaming out of Roger's eyes.

'Of course, your father is there with your mother. I'll drive you to the hospital." Brian was thankful that the man was kind enough to help them out, but he just wanted to shrink when he walked past the main hallway, and everyone was looking at them proceed down the corridors, crying and pale. This would be the topic over lunch, everyone trying to decipher what tragedy had befallen Brian and his brothers.

It was a silent ride to the hospital, Brian sat in the front seat so Freddie could comfort the youngest boys. They walked into the hospital quietly, and made their way up to their mothers' room. They all gave their father a big hug before moving to their unconscious mother. 

"Brian, can I speak to you outside?" His father asked. Brian followed him outside quietly. "Son, your mother went into cardiac arrest earlier today. The doctors said it was her antidepressants mixed with her heart condition. I want you to know that there is a very small chance of her surviving tonight. I also want you to know that she loves you very much, and she always will," Both Brian and his father had a steady stream of tears running down their faces. He hated being the reliable one, being subjected to all this torture, his dad telling him the most painful things he could hear, and only him, just because he was the quiet one, so he could suffer in silence. he wouldn't make a dramatic scene like Freddie, he wouldn't burst into anger like Roger and he wouldn't have his already-ruined childhood killed, like John. And yet, if it meant saving his brothers the sadness and torture, he'd do it a million times over.


	5. Chapter 5

FREDDIE

He knew from the moment he was told he had to go to the hospital, she was gone. He sat by her bed, stroking her hair. She was asleep, but their dad said that she could still hear them, so Freddie sang her some songs. Freddie thought that, when this moment came, he would be kicking over chairs and punching one of his brothers or something in despair, but everything was surprisingly calm and sad. Freddie had never felt this sad in his life, kissing his mother on the cheek, knowing she might never look at his face again. He supposed his wrathful mourning would come later, but for now it was the goodbyes that counted.

It was times like these where he hated being the oldest, always having to comfort his younger siblings, never feeling truly safe or comforted himself. He remembered the feeling from his grandfather's funeral, where his dad was too distant and he was left to comfort his siblings. The thought made him sadder, though, because he'd had his mother there to comfort him, and now he'd have to do it alone.

It had been hours since they had arrived, and the doctors and nurses started filling the room. The heart monitor was beeping irregularly and all three boys were in a state of shocked confusion, what was going on? Freddie looked to his father, who was speaking to a very sad looking doctor.

A nurse came and took them out of the room, Brian, being Brian, politely followed her, crying. Freddie got up so he could help John out of the room. John followed Freddie, but Roger stood there. "Roger, you need to come out." Roger's face looked pale but angry. "And what? Leave her here? I'm not stupid! I know what's going to happen! I'm never going to see her again, and you want me to just LEAVE her here?" The nurse ran back over to him, "Dear, the doctors are trying to help your mum but they need space, just come outside for a bit, love." Roger nodded and followed her out, looking defeated. Freddie honestly thought he was going to throw a tantrum, but he guessed that Roger had already given up.

They all sat in silence. Earlier, the nurse tried to make friendly conversation with them, but stopped after she could see that they were not having any of it. Her father followed a doctor outside as well, heavily crying, and held his children. From inside, without a doubt, their mother was flatlining. They heard the resuscitation machine and just prayed that they could find a pulse.

They were driven back home by their father, late at night, after their mother had died. It was the worst night Freddie had ever sat through, his beautiful and sweet mother gone, just like that. He hated himself for not spending more time with her, for going out to parties and doing nonsense instead of spending time with those he truly loved.

He went straight to bed as soon as he got home, not being able to stand living, and cried himself to sleep. 

When he woke up the next morning, he got changed for school. He walked downstairs. He didn't know how he could handle school, he definitely couldn't, but he wouldn't ask his father to skip it because that might arise suspicion when he didn't show up. He'd just get a friend of his to call his name in roll call.

His dad came out of the room, "Son, you should have a rest day today." He came out, genuinely surprised that Freddie was so eager to go to school. "Thanks dad, I wasn't really feeling up to it." He sat down at the table. His dad said he wanted to discuss what's happened and what will happen. "Fred, could you go wake everyone up? We'll have a discussion in the living room," He said, holding Fred tightly in his arms. 

Freddie slouched upstairs and reached his brother's rooms. He first went into John's. "Hey John, come downstairs, dad wants to talk to us," He gave John a kiss on the cheek as he left the room, turning on the light. 

He went into Roger's room, "Rog, wake up dear, dad wants to speak to us," he said, "We also don't have to go to school," before putting a hand on his cold, tear soaked cheek and leaving the room.

Walking into Brian's room, he was already awake, just sitting in a chair and looking out. Freddie had noticed he'd been sad lately, sad before the incident. Freddie was quite worried for him. "Bri, dear, are you okay?" He asked, receiving no response, "very well then, we're not going to school today and dad wants us downstairs." He said, brushing his hair and leaving the room.

Ten minutes later, the family was sat in the living room, Brian and John on one couch and Roger and Freddie on another. Their father took an armchair and moved it so he could face his four sons. "I know this is a hard time for us all." He started off with, "we're going to need to live with the fact that your mother is no longer with us," all three boys looked down at the carpet, tears running down their faces, "you are all strong kids, we love you all very much," the room was dead silent for a few minutes, before their father coughed and said "when each of you were born, your mother wrote letters for each of you."

Freddie was handed a silver envelope, "you may wish to open these letters another time or open them now, it is up to you," he said, as he put the armchair back and left to make breakfast. Freddie ran upstairs and into his room, sitting on his bed as he carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the piece of paper. He never was a patient child. His mother had written seventeen paragraphs, one for when he was born + each year he had been alive. 

_'Freddie Mercury Reid' _it read, '_My dear boy, you are the most precious thing in my life, never in my life did I think I was going to have children at all, let alone a child as beautiful as this,' _it began. Freddie chuckled, little did she know. '_We named you Freddie after my father, but we named you Mercury because it gives you flare, my dear,' _ Freddie smiled through his tears, glad that he was doing what she wanted with his name.

Freddie read the letter until the tears clouded his eyes and he couldn't read anymore. He curled into himself, wishing somebody was there for him. He went to go play piano, to ease his pain. 

He played and wrote until he had a rough song. It was difficult, tiring and frustrating, it had taken three hours, but for his mother, he would write a million songs.


	6. Chapter 6

JOHN

John ran into the study and opened his letter. He knew he'd lose it if he didn't open it now, and he'd never forgive himself if he didn't get to read this. He took the thin piece of paper out of the silver envelope and unfolded it, he couldn't quite read the writing, but he managed.

'_John Richard Deacon Reid' _it read, '_We love you with all of our hearts. What a perfect little child you are, completing our family.' _John looked down the page, seeing a paragraph for each year of his life. He cried even more, wishing that there were more, wishing he wasn't reading this, praying that this was a dream, that he could feel his mother's embrace once more. He had to stop reading, he'd read it another time, this was making him too sad.

He sought out Freddie, the closest thing he had to a mother now. He found him, crying his eyes out in his room. They gave each other a hug. John felt very bed for Freddie, that nobody was there to give him a warm hug. John desperately wanted to comfort Freddie, but he knew that it just wasn't the same from a younger sibling.

His father had allowed them to take the next three days off of school, or rather he hadn't cared when they had. On the third day, the four boys and their father went to the funeral. As their mother was being lowered into the ground, Freddie stood, hugging John and Roger, comforting his youngest siblings. The day was grey, and it would have been impossible to predict that only a few days ago John and his brothers had played sport in the sunshine. John had looked up for a split second, and only seen his father. He turned around, and saw Bri heading back to the church through the cold and grey graveyard. He ran after Brian, feeling sorry for his brother. Everyone just assumed he was independent enough to not have to be comforted, but nobody, especially at the premature age of 15, is equipped enough to deal with a parents' death.

"Hey Bri," John said, walking next to his older brother. Brian looked the saddest John had seen him in a very long time, but he wasn't crying. John gave him a hug, and Brian stood there. John knew that he probably didn't feel in the mood to give a hug. Brian had seemed like he had been hit the hardest by the death of their mother, but John wasn't quite sure why. John still didn't know a lot of things, he didn't even know the cause of his mother's death, but he felt grateful for this, it might have made him sadder, made the situation more real.

He sat with Brian on a bench, slowly swinging his legs. The two boys sat in solemn silence as people in black clothes murmured past them, whispering their condolences. John looked over at his other two brothers, who were locked in an embrace, Roger's face teary but angry. John knew Roger would be angry. Roger told him the night before that these people "weren't sorry, what did they know?" Freddie's face was sad and his eyes were closed. It was obvious that Freddie was trying to take in everyone else's pain, so they could live happily. It hurt John that nobody could do that for Freddie.

The next day, the boys' father forced them to go to school. They came late, and everyone was all over them, asking where they'd been and what had happened. John missed his first two classes, because as soon as somebody asked him what happened, he started sobbing. It was a Friday, and it was possibly the worst day at school John had ever had, or close to his day on Monday. During lunch, he walked past a crowd in the cafeteria, and walked into it. In the middle, he saw Roger in a fight with another boy. He wished he was at the same side of school as Brian and Freddie, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad.

John sat with Roger after school in the waiting room for the principal's office. "John, could you go tell Freddie to go home? I'm gonna be a while," John ran to where they always met after school, Freddie's face red from crying and Brian's shell just standing there. "Roger's gonna be a while, he got into a fight. You guys should go home, I'll wait with him," John offered, "Nonsense, we'll wait for you," Freddie replied as they all walked to the principal's office.

They all entered, all four of them. The principal stood up, "I just need to speak to Roger, boys. He'll be out in a bit," Roger looked terrified, scared that his punishment would kill their already injured father and he would fail his mother. Freddie saw him, and stepped in front of John, "with all due respect, sir, we'd really rather stay with Roger," the principal nearly protested, but changed his mind, "very well, boys, take a seat."

The principal droned on forever about how he knows they've all had a very rough time lately, but it is not acceptable to participate in a fight. Freddie did most of the speaking, and got Roger off with a warning. 

They were home an hour and a half after they were due back home, and their father looked none the wiser. He didn't really care at the moment, had ceased to live, to care about the rest of his family. John knew it was hard for him, but resentment built up in him, because they were all having a hard time, and they needed each other, but their father didn't care.

John lay in his bed. "_Thank God it's a Friday" _He whispered to himself, crying himself to sleep. He wouldn't have been able to survive another day.


	7. Chapter 7

ROGER

He couldn't explain it, he was just so angry all of a sudden. He'd always known he'd had a harsh temper, screaming at John for not catching a ball playing sports or pushing Freddie into the pool when he'd make a joke about Roger. But now, it was amplified. He didn't feel as much sadness as his brothers felt, he felt angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at his mother. 

The other day, he'd screamed at John until he ran into his room and cried. Roger had felt bad, but was it not obvious to stay away from him? Yesterday, at school, he'd gotten into a fight with a kid who said that he needed to get over what happened, stop being so angry and mean. That warranted a thumping though, even Freddie agreed.

Roger had never been overly studious, but he had now completely shut down. His teachers kept saying that even though he's going through rough times, there is still no excuse for not doing his homework. Roger used to at least try to answer some of the questions, but now he just didn't hand it in. It didn't matter anyways, he wanted to be a professional drummer now, just to spite his teachers who said he'd never go anywhere. He got put in detention more often nowadays, but he didn't care, it was better than going home to his non-existent father. His father had made himself scarce in the past few days, and this had angered Roger more. It was his job to take care of them, and now Roger and his brothers would have to go through it alone because their father didn't love them enough to help them.

He opened up his letter on the bed, and read all the paragraphs. He felt angry, she'd never write him another thing, and it wasn't fair. He read the opening sentence again, all he wanted was to feel sadness instead of anger. He was relieved when he cried. '_Roger Meddows Taylor Reid' _it started '_You look like an angel, bright blue eyes and beautiful blonde hair. Your older brothers love you already, and so do we. What a sweet little child you are.' _Roger could hear his mother through the lines, and he cried even harder.

He wandered into the kitchen, remembering how ecstatic he was for Saturday morning last week. He couldn't believe it was only last week, it felt like years ago. It dawned on Roger how quickly life can change. He sat on the couch and watched T.V. Freddie came to join him too, sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal. "Hey Rog, should we all go for a walk?" Freddie asked. Roger nodded, it wasn't a bad idea. He and his brothers had to stick together now, stand up for each other because nobody else was standing up for them. They'd have to do more stuff together from now on.

They'd have to walk into town at some point or another, get the groceries and stuff for the house because their father sure as hell wasn't going to. Over the winter, Freddie had gotten a job at the pharmacy, giving them enough money to pay for stuff without having to ask their father. This summer Freddie would have to take another job, Brian probably would too and maybe even Roger. He didn't mind that, maybe a job and earning something for the family might take his mind off of the pain.

When all of the boys were up, they walked into town. They were stopped by many people in the town, people wanting to give Roger and his brothers their condolences. Everyone had heard what had happened. It was very uncommon for people to die at her age, and so it was still big news. The whole town basically went to her funeral, even his school friends and teachers. 

On their way to the supermarket, they ran into a group of boys around Brian's age. Sure enough, a quick glance to Brian's face showed his eyes narrow. He started moving them over to the side, they could go around, avoid this group. Freddie stopped them, "Brian, if you're always running away, they'll keep teasing you." Freddie said to Brian, keeping on their way. The boys closed in on them, "Hi, Brian, brought your brothers along? Can't go to the shops on you own anymore?" Freddie took a step forward, "Please leave us alone." He stood. Freddie looked quite a bit stronger than these boys, and they stood back. "Well, at least there's one in the family. You've got a baby, an angry loser, a sad loser and apparently a fighter. I told you to stay away, Brian, you absolute idiot . No wonder your mother offed herself." The other boys sniggered behind him.

Freddie looked at Roger, as if to tell him to keep walking. Roger ignores him, he couldn't help it. "What the FUCK did you say, loser?" Roger yelled, walking towards the boys, blinded by his fury. He swung a hand at the ringleader of the boys, but was caught in a headlock, his hair ruffled. "I'm not weak, you idiot. You're going to have to try a lot harder than that." Looking at the boy, Freddie sighed, and told Brian to take John away before pulling the boy off of Roger. He punched him in the stomach, not too hard, and kept walking.

"Roger, he was being an idiot, you can't erupt at everyone who's a jerk! We can't afford to be known as the thugs of the town." Freddie said, before Roger shrugged his arm off. "He said mum 'offed herself'. He's obviously been bullying Bri for a while now. He speaks to us like that. He has to learn." Roger said. The quartet walked to go get their groceries and pay for them. Roger went with John to go get the vegetables and fruits and Brian followed Freddie.

Roger spoke to John as they picked up everything they needed. 'Aren't you just a bit angry at dad?" He asked John. John shook his head, but replied with "I suppose, but he really loved her, and I understand that he's really sad. Actually, I'm not too sure how to feel about it, I'm angry that he's left Fred as the new head of the family but I guess his sadness is natural?" Roger nodded his head. That was actually a really good way to put the situation. They'd have to find out another system soon, though, because they were running out of money to buy food with.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are triggered by self-harm or suicide, just a note, please skip this chapter <3

BRIAN

Brian dreaded waking up and getting changed for school. It was a Monday, and if he thought school on Friday was bad, he'd have to sit through a whole week now. The teachers were a bit more lenient with him, but he'd had to sit through sessions with the school psychologist with Freddie. It was actually a bit helpful, not much, but Brian was grateful. What Brian wasn't grateful for was the taunting and teasing he had gotten after the bullies in his class had found out that he'd gone to counselling. 

Ever since Freddie and Roger fought with him, the head bully had focused a lot of his attention on Brian. Brian had done quite a good job making himself small in the passing years, but now they had decided that it was his time. Normally, Brian would have endured it, going home to sit around as normal, not retaliating but not caving in. However, Brian just couldn't handle it anymore. At lunch, the bullies cornered him, hit him in the back, kicked his side. "You can tell your brothers to back off, loser." He said, before dealing Brian a harsh kick to his already bruised leg. Brian got up after sitting there for a bit, brushing himself off.

He couldn't tell anyone about this, his father wouldn't care, he didn't want to bother Freddie, who was already faced with providing for a family he shouldn't be responsible for. Roger would get too angry, wouldn't deal with it well and John probably couldn't handle any more. He couldn't tell his teachers, he would be bullied to no end, and he certainly couldn't tell the psychologist.

After school, he went straight to Freddie, knowing they wouldn't come near him. Although Brian was taller, Freddie was a deal stronger and a bit more savvy in a fight. They both walked over to collect John and Roger. "Brian? Are you alright?" Freddie asked, concerned. Brian didn't speak, just nodded. He knew he'd cry if he spoke, and he didn't want Freddie to worry anymore.

On Friday, Brian had sat two tests that he'd missed over the course of the week. He'd failed both of them, his mind elsewhere. Brian knew that it was because he was not in the right headspace and he'd missed a fair bit of the content, but he couldn't help but feel like this was the start of a whole lot of failure, he'd never pass school, his father would never care about him, he'd be a failure.

Brian had thought about how bad some things had gotten lately, and wondered whether the rest of his life was really worth it. If he could barely survive a day of this, he doubted he could survive a week. He couldn't help but think how he was supposed to sit through this, to manage everything. He needed to get out of here, to relieve himself of the pain. He and his brothers approached the door and went inside, Brian jumping up to his room. He pulled out his letter, not wanting to read it earlier, and read the first sentence, "_Brian Harold May Reid, My beautiful, how much hair you have. We hope you will grow up to be as strong as your father. You have such a sweet little face, and we know you will be the perfect addition to our family". _Brian skipped past his mother's hopes and aspirations for him, deciding that he couldn't handle that right now, and read the last sentence, "_We promise to always look after you forever, always be your parents forever."_ Brian sighed. It was so ironic that he felt he had no parents now, his mother passed and abandoned by his father.

At dinner, a cold hand woke him up from his thoughts, "Bri? Everything okay?" It was John. Brian smiled sadly and gave him a nod, but he was not very convinced. Brian thought about how much his family loved him, how he couldn't give them more pain. "Yes John, I'm okay." They sat and ate. Their father approached the kitchen bench, took his meal and walked back into the study. Brian hadn't seen him for the whole day, and he felt immeasurable guilt as he looked at Freddie's face. He hated to be a burden, to make Freddie lose his childhood and teenagerhood because he became the guardians of his brothers aged sixteen, all because their father had given up.

Brian had come to the conclusion that he should speak to somebody. He remembers the last time he tried to conceal his sadness, he had come very close to cutting himself, wrestling a lone razor out of a plastic shaving razor. Roger had walked in, thinking he'd been about to shave. They'd had a casual conversation, reminding Brian what he had to live for; his family. Brian convinced himself to put it down, cutting wouldn't help. This time, however, his sadness and situation was amplified, and he had lost family. He had to talk to somebody, anybody.

He couldn't talk to any of his brothers, worried it might put more pressure on them. He could wait, speak to his psychologist in confidence, but he needed to talk now. He could feel his mind shutting down, and he needed help now. The only person left to speak to was his father.

He approached the study, and on entering, he could see his tired father reclining on an armchair, drinking tea and reading the news. It made Brian sadder, that his father would rather read the headlines, which he had all day to do, than sit at a table with his sons, comforting them after the loss of their mother. His father looked up at him, "Son, what's going on?" Brian still stood up, looking at his father. He was nervous he'd be yelled at for bothering his father, but he's come this far, he may as well do it. "Can we talk? I just need to talk to somebody and I -," Brian's father cut him off, "Son, can you talk to Freddie or Roger? I'm quite tired and I've still got some work to do. Maybe another time." 

Brian couldn't believe what he just heard, and thanked God on behalf of his father that he was not Roger or Freddie, who surely would have yelled at him. Was he kidding?! He had all day everyday, having taken a month leave off of work, to sleep. What work did he even have?! However, Brian sighed, "Okay, sorry for bothering you, father." Brian's father nodded as he motioned for Brian to close the door behind him. His mother's death had been hard on everyone, and Brian had seen that everybody had different reactions. John had cried, got really emotional, Roger had gotten really angry, Freddie had gotten more protective of his family, more supportive. He knew he felt a lot more quiet, dull and sad and maybe this was what it took for his father to abandon his family. Still, it didn't quite seem fair that he had given the responsibility of running the family to his brothers.

Brian needed to talk now. He thought maybe playing the guitar would cheer him up a bit, but even that didn't work. He'd disappointed another parent, sent him away. He knew that it was his fault, his mother's death. She'd always told him to be happier, to enjoy life a bit more. Brian had never guessed that his mother suffered depression, but maybe it was his fault. They had also never known that she had a minor heart condition, which, combined with the antidepressants, caused severe cardiac problems. Brian was the only one who knew that out of his brothers, and he wondered if she really did 'off herself'. Maybe if he was there for her to talk to, she wouldn't have had to take regular antidepressants, and stress wouldn't have wrecked such havoc on her cardiac system.

He knew it wasn't fair to talk to Freddie, weigh him down further. he shouldn't speak to Roger, worried that he might go crazy at the bullies, get expelled. He certainly couldn't speak to John, worried he might shatter his brother's frail mind. He was about to talk to Roger, but he would never hurt his brothers. 

He lay in bed for quite a long time, not quite able to sleep. He looked at the clock, it was one am. He needed sleep, he wouldn't survive a day at school tired. He slinked down the stairs, careful not to wake anybody up, and rustled through his father's medicine cabinet in the downstairs bathroom. He pulled out a container of sleeping pills. Tired and sad, Brian's mind flustered through the bad things in his life right now. to cheer himself up, he tried to flick through all the good things in his life, only thinking of music and his brothers. This made him feel worse, music no longer made him happier and he was simply a burden to his brothers, and pushed him to act out his plan. He desperately tried to stop himself, telling himself the damage he'd cause to his brothers, he needed to stay alive for them, but the other part of his brain was relaying the failed tests, the bullies, his father, his mother on her deathbed, the note she'd left him. What life was there left for him to live? 

He was too scared to use a knife. A boy of 15, he really thought he'd found the best plan, to go out peacefully. He took a glass and filled it up, taking he container to the sink. He looked down at it all, thinking about everything. His brain was crying for him to go upstairs, just sleep, but the other side was telling him to get over it, it was the best thing to do. Brian wanted to go upstairs, forget about it all, but he had made up his mind. He wondered if he'd see his mother again.

He swallowed each pill from the box, nearly vomiting twice. He took out a pad of paper, wrote a note. It was stained by his heavy tears. Each letter he wrote, he regretted what he'd done even more. His body felt like it was burning. He wanted to die. He wrote to his father, his sweet baby John, to his best friend Roger and to the person he loved most, Freddie. He told them it was not their fault, that they were his blessings. He cried, nearly letting out sobs, but trying not to let himself wake up his father. 

He walked to the key box, his body feeling sick. Brian wasn't sure whether it was from the pills or the realisation of what he'd done, but what's done is done, he'd made his decision. He grabbed the keys and lightly padded over to the door, opening it quietly, and closing it, locking the keys inside. He lay down, the note lying beneath him, in case it rained. He realised he hadn't read the rest of the letter, and felt a pang of regret deep in his stomach. That was okay, though, hopefully his mother could tell him in person soon.

He stared up into the night sky, feeling his body shut down. His brain tried to panic, but he couldn't remember a time where he was more tranquil. He looked up at the stars. This was how he'd always wanted to go out, the perfect death. Yeah, maybe a bit premature, but he was finally happy. 


	9. Chapter 9

FREDDIE

He got up at eight. Nobody was up yet, which was odd, because normally they were ready and waiting for Roger by this time. Anyways, he got up out of bed slowly and went to wake his brothers. He had lost his motivation, and if they stayed home, his father probably wouldn't care, but he knew his brothers needed to go to school. It was what their mother would have wanted.

He woke Roger and John up, surprised to find Brian not in his room. he was probably downstairs waiting. Freddie was a bit ticked off Brian didn't try wake them up, but he probably wasn't thinking things through. Brian had been fairly lifeless lately. They all had.

Freddie used the bathroom first, leaving it to Roger and John after that. He went downstairs, prepared his lunch. There were scattered containers and small puddles of water on the kitchen bench, probably their father taking headache pills or something. He called out to Brian, yelling at everyone to get ready. he decided to pack snacks for his brothers, they'd need it. Roger and John soon raced each other down the stairs. "Hurry up! We need to go!" John shouted, grabbing his lunch and running out the front. "Where's Brian?" Roger asked. It was quarter past eight, there was no way they'd get to school in time.

They walked around yelling "Brian?" Freddie saw the keys by the back door, but thought nothing of it. He was walking out of the music room, quite concerned, when he heard an ear piercing scream emanate from the garden. He raced down, nearly tripping on his own feet and he sprinted through the back door. John's face was pale, he was shivering. Roger's face was also pale, but he was crowded around Brian's collapsed and cold body. Freddie let out a scream, rushing to Roger's side.

He couldn't believe it was happening. He had just lost his mother, and he couldn't lose a brother. He checked Brian's pulse, he was still breathing, but only barely. "JOHN! Call emergency!" Roger was sobbing loudly, his hands shaking as he tried to dry his face. John was shocked as well, but was able to make his way to the phone and call an ambulance. Freddie screamed for his father, but his father didn't come. 

They sat for what felt like forever, holding Brian and hoping he would hold out until help came. Tears were streaming down their faces. Just the other day Freddie had thought about how drastically his life had changed, and it was about to again. 

When their mother died, Freddie knew he had to step up through his sorrow and take charge of his brothers. Now, if Brian goes, he didn't know how much more he could do. He should have been there more for Brian. They all knew he was struggling, Freddie was just too selfish and preoccupied in his own mourning that he failed to help his brother.

It was only when the ambulance arrived that Freddie's father woke up, the knocking on the door that John ran to go answer. Freddie looked up to see his father's thin and tall image leaning against the door frame, white and shocked at the view of his son, lying white against the wet grass.

As Freddie and his father helped the paramedics to cart away Brian, a note fell out of his shirt. Freddie caught it, opening it carefully. He had a strong gist as to what it might have been, and opening it, reading the first line, his worst fears were confirmed. 

Brian's note established that he had tried to take his own life. Freddie had not yet read the first line when the paramedics asked him if he could come in the ambulance with Brian. Freddie hopped in, giving the note to Roger and going into the ambulance, holding Brian's limp and cold hand.

Freddie arrived at the hospital for the second time in two weeks, memories flooding his mind. He clutched Brian's hand tighter, frightened for his younger brother. Every time he looked at Brian's peaceful and resting face, he could only be reminded of the games he used to play with him as children, when he was happier. Freddie couldn't believe that over the past week and a half, he had lost his mother and was about to lose his brother.

He sat by Brian's bed, crying and hugging him. Thirty minutes later, Freddie's brothers and father arrived. His father looked guilty. That was really the second time Freddie had ever seen him cry, the last time was last week. They all sat by his bed, Roger handing Freddie the note Brian had left.

He read the note, it was crinkled and stiffened, as if it had been wet but was now dried. Tear-marks, they were probably Brian's. There were fresher ones as well, probably from Roger and John. Brian had written each of his family members a paragraph, just like his mother had for each year of his life in her final letter to him. He read over all the paragraphs, _Freddie, thank you so much for everything you've done for me. I really appreciated it, you were a highlight of my life. _Freddie let out a sob-chuckle, and prayed that his brother would stay with them. 

"Brian. You have to come back to us. I will make everything right." Freddie pleaded, "Why didn't you speak to me? I could've helped you." He said, sobbing into Brian's shirt. He had never felt so helpless


	10. Chapter 10

JOHN

He remembered it so vividly, everything was normal, they just were about to go to school, hearing Roger gasp and pull John, seeing his lifeless older brother sprawled out on the lawn, his skin pale, limp and cold. He remembers feeling Roger's scream vibrate through his arm. John was too shocked to scream himself, and was pushed aside by Freddie, who was running to Brian's side. John remembers the panic going through his heads as he raced to the emergency, calling an ambulance.

He felt pure fear as he waited for the ambulance to come, knowing if Brian didn't make it, he probably would be beyond comfort. He knew Freddie probably wouldn't have the composure to comfort anyone. Their family would fall into disarray, he just knew it. He hugged Brian tight, praying to anyone and everyone that he would be okay. 

A knock on the door pushed John back into action mode, running and showing the paramedics where Brian was. They lifted him into the ambulance, Roger and John holding each other as their father and eldest brother helped the ambulance workers. 

John saw it fall, the note. Freddie caught it, his face going white in recognition. He passed it to Roger and hopped in the ambulance. The next thirty minutes were a blur, a phone call to school to mark the boys' absence, the three family members hopping into their father's car and zooming down the freeway to the hospital. 

Roger read the note. Then he re-read it. Then he handed it to John. They were holding each other, scared out of their minds. John held the note, waiting to get to the hospital. He couldn't read in the car, he already felt sick as it was. 

John sat down by the hospital bed, reading his paragraph of the note. _You were the sweetest brother I had, John, _A tear passed down John's face as he read on, _I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. Please forgive me, I wanted to. I just couldn't go on, there was nothing for me. Thanks for always being there for me, you really helped. _John felt sadness drown him, he hadn't helped. If he'd tried harder, they would be at school, not watching his brother slowly die in front of him.

He prayed every second that he would hear his older brother again. He was always the calming force of his brothers, Roger was always the defiant fire of his family, Freddie was always the loving and funny 'mother' of the group, and Brian was always the smart and calm one, always analytical. John was sure Roger would have been put in juvenile detention and Freddie would have gone crazy if Brian was not there to make their decisions for them.

John couldn't help himself, he read over his father's paragraph. He almost chuckled, Brian was too kind. His father had forgotten he'd had sons after their mother died, and honestly, he'd been like that before, they just hadn't noticed because their mother was there to shield them.

John could tell they wouldn't go to school for a while. He doubted the family would do anything for a while, a death and another possibly on its way would land the family in complete shambles. He honestly didn't think they'd ever get anything done.

What John begged for the most was that the school never found out that Brian had tried to kill himself. He couldn't bear to see the town's reaction. If his brother survived, he would be shunned from the town. Either way, there would be major talk in the town, John and his brothers would be approached, told how selfish Brian was to take his life. He wouldn't be able to handle that, it was him that was selfish, he asked Brian if he was okay, he should have known Brian would lie, make it easier for his brother.

He thought he felt helpless before, but he truly felt it now, sitting in an embrace with his other brothers, the absence of Brian a sore reminder of what had happened.


	11. Chapter 11

ROGER

He was the one to find Brian. Looking for Brian all around the house, he took a step outside and now he would forever have the image of Brian's long body pressed against the morning grass, his face peaceful etched into his head. The whole situation had felt like a punch to the stomach, as he pulled John over to him and screamed for Freddie.

It all went by too quickly. Soon, the emergency arrived, his father showed up in the hallway. A note falling out of Brian's shirt, watching the white paper flutter to the ground, hugging John as tight as possible. They loaded into their father's car, only Roger and John, the other two were gone in the ambulance.

He read Brian's note, reading his paragraph. "_Roger, you were my best friend. I want you to know that you were and will always be the most fun person ever." _Roger closed his eyes. If he really was Brian's best friend, he would have tried to help him more. Sure, he'd noticed he was sad, was keeping an eye on him. He just wasn't good enough, and now his brother was dying. "_Thank you for standing up for me, I'm really sorry I couldn't stay with you. I had to go and it was nobody's fault. In fact, if it weren't for you, this moment would have happened earlier." _He knew this was meant to comfort him, of course Brian was still doing that, but it made him feel angry. 

He was angry at himself, he was more angry at Brian, but he felt complete and utter resentment towards his father. They had called for him to come help them with Brian's lifeless body, and he hadn't come. His father had just left them, like he'd always done. There was no question that Brian felt abandoned, even though his brothers tried to comfort him, nothing can replace the love of a parent. The final straw came in the hospital room, when Freddie tried to give the note to their father, "He wrote you a paragraph, dad," their father looking at Freddie, his sad eyes moving from side to side as he shook his head.

It was then that Roger stood up in a flying rage. He'd been angry at his father for a long time, he just needed a reason to yell, and yell he would. "Read it dad. He wrote it for you. He's lying there, wasting away, wanting to speak to you one last time and you ignore him just like you have for the past few weeks. We NEEDED you dad, and you just LEFT us. If you're wondering why Brian tried to kill himself, ask me, I have a VERY good idea." Roger probably would have kept yelling at his dad if Freddie hadn't taken him out of the room.

He couldn't believe he'd done that, but he was reading the paragraph Brian had written for their father, "_Thank you for everything," _and "_Sorry for the disappointment I caused you" _ were among the phrases Brian used, and he couldn't help but think that it was his father that had caused the death of their beloved brother, and he would never forgive him for that.

For three hours they sat outside of Brian's room, John sleeping and Roger and Freddie reading magazines while their father sat back in the chairs, looking dead. Roger wouldn't speak to him. He had been much too harsh on him and his brothers, and ruined all of their childhoods in a matter of weeks. The family would have gotten on after their mother's death, he was sure, if his father had been supporting them, but instead he ignored his job as a father and now here they were, broken and suffering.

The doctors finally called them in to discuss Brian's diagnosis. The doctor had said Brian swallowed what they estimated to be around 35 to 50 pills, and would have died an hour after they found him. He was stable, but there was still a large risk that they would lose him.

They stayed at the hospital, by his side, for a long time. Roger's blood boiled when he saw his father sitting a few metres away, not even approaching his son, apologising for failing. _That's okay _Roger thought, he could sit there like some idiot, Roger wouldn't forgive him anyway.

The day had been the worst he'd ever been through. Losing his mother was a horrible day, but he'd had all of his brothers to help him through it. Now, it became evident to Roger that his family members were leaving him one by one. 


	12. Chapter 12

FATHER

He looked at his son, lying there. It was his fault, he knew it, and he couldn't bear it any more. He looked at his other sons, gathered around. He loved how close they were, how much of a bond they all had, they were genuine friends. That's why it was harder on him, not only was it his fault Brian did what he did, but the pain the others felt was also his fault.

He was the worst father. His father was no good, was never around. He'd told himself he would never be like that, but after the death of his beloved wife, he couldn't help it. He had never been an over-the-top, always-there father, which he wanted so badly to be. He had always just enjoyed sitting back, watching his boys, the lights of his life, play together.

He was always there, maybe not as interactive, but he was there for his sons. He had stopped just a few weeks ago, when their mother died. He couldn't handle it, everything reminded him of her, Freddie's laugh, Brian's sad and loving composure, Roger's determination and beautiful blonde hair and John's sweet and chirpy voice. Everything. He had to steer away from his family, not wanting to break down in front of them, he wouldn't handle it. But he hated himself now, wished he could just go back, be there for his sons.

He looked at Brian again, wishing he could go back, speak to Brian when he had asked to. He didn't know why he rejected Brian. It was just all enough, and Brian reminded him too much of his wife, soft-spoken and melancholy. Of all of them, Brian was most like his father, tall and lanky with curly hair, and he had always seen Brian that way. It was only then that he really saw his wife in Brian, and he panicked and isolated his son.

He had been too hard on Freddie as well, making him head of the family before he was ready, taking away what was left of his childhood. He had virtually ruined Roger and John as well, removing any true parental influences from their life, taking away most of their support.

Roger had handed him Brian's note, but he just couldn't. He expected it to blame him for all of this, to confirm that it was his fault. It would be entirely true, and he would take it later, but he just couldn't now. 

It was then that Roger exploded in his face, yelling at him for not being there for Brian, for any of them. A tear escaped his eyes, Roger was right. He had failed his sons, and now everybody was paying for it. Roger was right, he knew it. The boys left the room, consoling Roger and comforting each other.

He was left in the room with his second son. He held his cold, thin hand, trying to bring him warmth. Tears were falling onto Brian, and he held his son close. He read the note, he didn't listen to Brian once, he wouldn't make that mistake again.

"_I'm sorry I failed you, I was a bad son." _The note read, "_I wanted to do more for you, with you, and I'm sorry I didn't,"_ He held Brian tighter, crying into his hair. He decided then and there that no matter the outcome of this, he would always be there for his family, never risk this again.

He whispered his apologies into Brian's ear, crying and wishing he could have his beloved son back. He released him as his other sons came back to the room. He stood up, spoke to his sons. "I have failed you all, I am so, so sorry." The look of hatred Roger gave him was enough to tell him that it might take a while. he turned back around, and he felt a small figure at his side. It was John, and he gave him a hug. The feel of his son by his side gave him hope that he could get through this.

Just as he was feeling better, the beeping machine by Brian's bedside began to emit irregular sounds, and nurses came back into the room, ushering them outside. It was frightening, Brian was dying. He didn't know what would happen, but whatever happened, he would be there for his sons.


	13. Chapter 13

FREDDIE

He looked down at his cold and solemn little brother. He had always tried to protect him, shield him from harsh reality. He'd done that for all of his brothers, but Brian had always had bullies, they always went after him. He was always just so sad, and Freddie had to protect him. Freddie had failed, and now his brother was lying here.

His father felt guilty, Freddie knew. It kind of was his fault, but he felt sorry for his father. He loved the family very much, and in the short weeks that had passed, he'd lost his wife and his son tried to kill himself.

Freddie knew it in his heart. It didn't look like Brian was going to wake up any time soon, but he had faith in his younger brother. He knew he could pull through, he was always smart. Although, he didn't always make the best choices.

He looked back at all he could have done to stop this, how he'd noticed Brian was sad before the death of their mother, but that was just regular Brian. He rarely saw Brian in their spare time after their mother passed, but they were all very sad, and maybe Brian just needed to be alone. He'd tried to speak to Brian, to get Brian to open up so they could recover, but he never did. Freddie should have told their father that they needed him to be there for them, they needed a parent, but Freddie so desperately wanted to prove his usefulness, that he could do it by himself. It was his own selfish need to prove himself that brought Brian down, he thought.

It had been three days, and Freddie and his other brothers refused to go to school. Their father agreed, saying they probably wouldn't do much, just sit in class, praying their beloved Brian was still alive. They stayed by his bedside all the time, and they'd had many scares. At least three times Brian's vitals dropped. He had died twice, and nearly died another time. The doctors always found a pulse at the last minute, when they were all watching through the glass pane, praying he'd live.

They knew, from the note, that Brian had attempted suicide. They didn't know how. There was no blood or cuts, so he hadn't cut himself. There were no broken bones, he hadn't jumped. The doctors sat the boys and their father down, explaining that Brian had taken an overdose of sleeping pills, consuming anywhere from 30-50. They didn't know if he would get through this, the doctors also explaining that should he wake up, his organs may be damaged. It was hard to hear this, that even if he lived, he would live in pain. Freddie wanted his brother back, and he didn't want him to live in pain.

Two more days passed, and the teachers wouldn't stop sending letters, leaving mail asking why the children weren't attending classes. He never responded, Freddie understood, none of them could really put their situation into words at the moment. Nobody wanted to tell anybody what Brian did, not wanting it to be real. It would be all the town talked about for a while, and Brian wouldn't want that. It was beginning to look like he'd recover, the nurses telling them he's been getting better every hour. 

His body was slowly coming back to life. He hadn't woken up yet, but his skin was becoming warmer and pinker, and his vitals were stable. They were told that chances are he'd wake up within the next week. That was the best news Freddie thought he'd ever hear, he would get his lovely brother back.

The boys went out to buy flowers, wanting to get themselves out of the hospital, do something nice for Bri. They walked along, and ran into their english teacher. "Boys! How are you? How pleasant to see you!" The boys walked up to her. Freddie wanted to leave, he didn't want to explain their absence, and he wanted to be back in Brian's hospital room now. This was a bad idea. "We're good thanks. How are you, miss?" Freddie asked, politely, "I'm very well, thank you. You boys haven't been to school in a while?" She enquired. Roger opened his mouth, and Freddie had to nudge Roger, to remind him not to tell her to mind her own business. Subsequently, Roger closed his mouth. "We've been quite busy lately, the whole family, you know. Hopefully we'll be back soon, though." Freddie flashed her a smile. "We really have to get going, but we hope to see you soon," Freddie called out, as he dragged his brothers past his somewhat dazzled teacher.

They arrived back in the room after a while, tired from hiding behind almost everything to get to and from the florist to hide from all the prying eyes of the people of the township. Everyone now knew about the absence of the whole family, the boys from school, their father from work. Nobody had seen any of them in a while, and talk would probably now be why Brian wasn't with them. Freddie prayed that they wouldn't give his dear brother a hard time when he woke, he couldn't handle it if he tried to off himself again.

The three boys sat by his bedside, all anxious to see their brother again, to tell him how much they loved him, he mustn't do that again.


	14. Chapter 14

JOHN

Sitting at the table, he was working on a puzzle with Roger. They stayed in his room 24/7, always wanting the comfort of being beside their brother. At the beginning, it was horrible to see him in that state, to be reminded of everything that had happened, but they couldn't leave him. Now, he was somewhat recovering, and it seemed like a gift from the heavens to see Brian get better.

A day passed, and Freddie and John were playing cards. Roger was sitting beside Brian's bed. John was dealing the next set when he heard a gasp from Roger. He immediately shot his head up, expecting the worst, but seeing Roger's relieved expression. Their father was standing next to Brian's bed in alarm, shooting up from his reclined position. Brian's breathing became less regular, and as John and Freddie stood up and crouched beside his bed, his eyes fluttered open.

"Oh my god, Bri!" Freddie exclaimed, giving him a huge hug, "We though we'd lost you." Roger let out a breath through his disbelieving smile, hugging his brother tight. John held onto Brian, never wanting to let go. Ever.

A nurse came in. The equipment needed to be adjusted now that he was awake. They took his mask off, and Freddie gave him some water. They sat, stroking his hair, crying. Their father let out a sob. Nobody had noticed that he was crying, but he was. Brian looked shocked, the poor kid probably didn't know where he was. His father smothered him in a tight embrace. John was surprised, his father never really was one for affection, but his father must've felt so guilty.

John sat there, while everybody gave Brian hugs and kisses. He lay there, clinging onto his arm. He took a glance at Brian's face, he looked shocked and puzzled. John whispered to Freddie that he should probably tell Brian what had happened. kHis eldest brother, also looking at Bri's face, realised what John meant, and sat everybody back. Brian looked happy from the affection, but also looked relieved to have some space.

"Bri? Do you know what happened?" Freddie asked, who was then lightly hit in the ribcage, "You can't ask him that! Just give him time to recover, we'll tell him later," Roger tried to reason, but they heard Brian's voice for the first time since he was found, "No. Tell me," His voice was raspy from disuse, but it was the sweetest sound John had ever heard.

Freddie told them what had happened, he'd swallowed a lot of pills and had to be taken to hospital, showing him the note. He was very gentle, and John could noticed that he was still desperately trying to protect his dearest little Brian. A tear ran down Brian's pale face as he read the words, and remembered everything that had happened. He looked up, "I'm sorry," He choked. Now all the boys were crying, and John looked into Brian's anguished and painful hazel eyes. "I'm so sorry," He repeated, but tis time tears came out of both eyes, many of them. "Bri, it's not your fault. We're sorry." Roger cried as he caught Brian in a tight embrace.

They all sat, assuring them it wasn't his fault, being assured it wasn't their fault. John could see that his father wanted to speak to Brian, alone. Freddie must've noticed as well. "We'll go get you some water Bri." He said, as he dragged Roger out of the room, expecting John to come.

Once they were out in the corridor, they sat around, all of them crying from the relief. Their brother was okay.

They went to sit with Bri, speaking about how much they loved him. Roger was silent, and John knew it was because he was trying not to yell at Brian for causing them this much sadness. They sat by his bedside. They spoke, Freddie, John and Brian, with Roger as a witness. Nothing heavy, only light stuff, like who they saw, what happened on T.V, what happened at school. John could see Brian felt bad when Freddie told him that they didn't go to school. "Brian it's not your fault, we didn't want to go to school," John assured him. Brian's sad gaze was focused on him, and he gave John a nod of his head and a melancholy smile.

He got up and sat next to his father, leaning his head on his father's shoulder. His father deserved love an affection, he was only human. Freddie was a great guardian, but he needed his father, and he knew his brothers did too. John put a hand down, patting Roger's hair. His brother shot around, eyes melting in fury, before realising that it was John and not his father. His eyes faded back to normal and he gave John a friendly smile before turning back to Brian and Freddie.

His family wasn't perfect, but was any family? John smiled as he felt his father's arm around him before falling asleep in the company of his family.


	15. Chapter 15

ROGER

He was furious at his father. Absolutely fuming. Sure, it was Roger's fault that Brian was here, that he didn't look out enough for his older brother, but if he was honest, it was almost all his father's fault. The lack of a true parental figure in anyone's life is tough, but to lose your mother and your father in a matter of weeks when only one had died makes it even tougher. There was no doubt he was a heavy factor in Brian's depression.

He kept trying to sneak Roger small bouts of affection, but he just was not having it. John and Freddie seemed fairly happy with the return of their father, but Roger couldn't and wouldn't trust him again. It was all he could do not to yell at him again. He was going to, but they needed to seem like they were going to be a family again, for Brian.

Ever since he woke up, Roger had felt a large weight lifted of his weak chest. If his brother died, who knows? He might have followed. He was so glad his family was seeming on the mend, that the sadness was finally dredging away after the shock scare of this whole ordeal, making them realise that they were at least lucky to have each other.

He'd returned to school some few days after, at his father's orders. He was at least glad to be told what to do. It was nice to know that he wasn't going to go off the rails just yet.

School was torturous, receiving lectures from teachers about how although his mother had died, it was not acceptable to keep missing school, how they have to come everyday or they will not pass. They'd all gone to their mother's funeral, and all knew about it, but they hadn't known of what happened to Brian, and nobody planned on telling them. There would be too much gossip if the town did find out, and nobody in the family thought they would be equipped to deal with that.

Roger realised that the teachers were probably right, though, he knew nothing that he was being taught though. At lunch break, he was met by the bullies from the high school, "What are you doing? Roger? Still sad about ya mum?" The kid walked up to him, pulling his shirt up, so Roger was standing face to face with him. Roger pushed him back, he was small but still fairly strong. He gave him a punch to the face, for Brian, before running away from the other bullies. He couldn't run to Freddie, that would look weak, so he just ran. He made sure not to run near John, didn't want to get him wrapped up in this mess.

The teachers stopped him and his pursuers for running in the corridors. Roger couldn't speak, which gave his bullies time to explain that it was Roger who punched the kid. Roger stuck up his hand in all of his huffing to tell them that he deserved it and they were going to hurt him now, but even if he could, Roger's track record wasn't good.

He had never felt this nervous going to the principal's office. He went on almost a bi-weekly basis, but this time he knew he was on thin ice and very close to being suspended. He sat opposite the teacher, waiting for them to tell him he was suspended. Instead, the old man's gravelly voice demanded he share why he was absent. "M y mother just died, and we all needed to visit relatives." He said, matter-of-factly. The man's stone face did not change, "Since the recorded date of death of your mother, you have attended three days of school in seventeen. Did it really take all of your time?" Roger shuddered, that was quite a few days missed, "Yes sir, it's been a very hard time for all of us." The principal looked like he knew he wouldn't get any more out of Roger, and Roger prayed that he wouldn't interrogate John next, he would cave in very easily. "Roger, we need to speak about your violent ways of resolving issues," Roger gave a short nod, "It's not acceptable, and it is a common occurrence. If this happens again, we will be putting you into anger management sessions." Roger gave a sharp nod, eager to leave. He hated this school, but he knew the principal wasn't joking around, so he'd try. He would hate anger management classes even more.

They got home, and Freddie suggested they play music again. Brian had been discharged from hospital a day ago, and had gone back to school today. He was still in pretty bad shape, but Roger wasn't sure whether that was the toll of the school day or if that was the recent ordeal. It was so nice to play again as a group, it was a comfort Roger hadn't enjoyed for a very long time. He loved his brothers so much, and vowed that he would never let any of them do anything to themselves, he wouldn't be able to handle losing them again.

It felt happy, the whole mood. They played Freddie's song, with an altered baseline, and it sounded really cool. Roger was really happy, this was the best feeling he'd had in a long time. His mood was darkened, however, when he glanced in Brian's direction. He still looked sad, a bit down. You wouldn't be able to tell from his playing, and Roger wondered whether that was just him at the moment, but he wasn't going to ignore it. He had before, and Brian nearly killed himself.

After they ran through the song twice, Roger suggested they have a break. It was just as well, dinner was ready downstairs. Their father had really taken to cooking, probably giving him a sense of providing for his family. Roger had warmed up to his father a bit. He was still wary, but he was taking the role of father quite seriously, and for that, Roger was grateful.

Freddie and John walked downstairs without Roger, and Roger noticed that Brian tried to slink away into his room for a bit. "Bri! Where are you going?" He called out, walking over to him. Brian just sat on his bed, looking up at Roger, "I'll be out in a bit," Roger sat down beside him, "What was it that made you do it? I get it if you don't want to tell me, but I want to know." They sat in silence for a bit, Brian shaking his head slowly. He looked up, his eyes red and teary, "It was a lot of things, Rog. None of it was your fault, in fact, the only reason to live really was you guys, but I failed a test, I had the bullies, mum died and I just didn't want to be here. And -" Brian cut himself off, "Never mind," He stood up, trying to walk out, but Roger pulled his thin frame back onto the bed, "No. Tell me, I won't tell Freddie and John, I promise." He said, looking into Brian's hazel eyes. "Well, I needed to speak to someone, the night before, and I didn't want to speak to you or Freddie or John because you were already dealing with enough, and so I went to speak to dad, but he told me he didn't want to speak." Brian was crying now, and Roger stood up in fury, about to give his father a thrashing. "No, Rog, don't, it's over now." Brian said, holding Roger's hand back. Roger sighed, Brian was right, it was over, their father knew about it and was trying to change. 

He walked downstairs with a teary-eyed Brian. Freddie looked at him as to ask what's wrong, but Roger just shook his head, "It's alright now, Fred," After dinner, they went upstairs to watch a video tape.

Sitting on the couch with his brothers made Roger realise that as long as they could stick together they'd be okay. He'd never lose another of his brothers if he could ever help it.


	16. Chapter 16

BRIAN

He felt a warm presence before he opened his eyes. He lay there for a while. He could feel the presence of his family, he could hear them. He was beyond confused, but his mind was calm. It was nothing he had ever felt before. He lay like that for a while, not sure how long, but a while before opening his eyes. 

His brothers crowded around his, crying and hugging their brother tightly. Their father smiled. It all came flooding back, and Brian started to cry, he'd betrayed his family. He couldn't stay strong for them and he cried and cried. He was so selfish, he couldn't believe what he'd done.

He lay there, listening to his brothers. He hadn't heard his own voice for a while, and asked for updates about school, the town, the time. He finally got to speak with his father. He felt relieved when his father apologised and told him that he was never a disappointment, he felt so much weight lifted off his shoulders when he noticed his father's activeness. Brian only prayed it would stay that way.

Over the days, Brian returned home. His father offered for him to stay home, but he'd missed enough school lately and he REALLY didn't want to fail another test. He really hoped nobody at the school knew what he'd done. He would never hear the end of it.

School was pretty bad. Brian hadn't really been able to eat much over the course of the past week, and looked really pale and thin. The boys at school called him anorexic. It didn't affect him all that much, the name calling, he was past that. It was more his self-consciousness over his weakened state. When he wasn't sitting down, he knew how ugly and thin he looked, and he really didn't want people to see him like that.

He soldiered on through the day, getting past the bullies and the fact that he knew nothing about the content they were now doing. People, especially teachers kept drilling him about where he'd been, telling him that being gone for so long without notice was unacceptable and they know it's been a hard time for their family but they need to focus on now or whatever. Brian just nodded silently, telling them they'd gone to see relatives. The english teacher gave him a bit of trouble though, apparently she saw his brothers without him on the main street. Brian just shrugged at that, saying they came home for a day or something. He hated doing this, he had a general rule to always tell the truth because lying comes back to you, but there was no way he was going to tell the truth. He just hoped Roger would keep a level head and his brothers would tell the same lies.

They came home that night, playing on their instruments. It had felt like an eternity since they last played together, and it was a major relief to all four of them that they still had the same sound. It felt so nice to play together again. All of a sudden he felt quite tired. Things like that just happened to him, especially when he remembered the day he'd had to live through. And he'd have to do it again tomorrow, and the next day. The day just felt so long, and he didn't know if he could do it again. He'd have to keep those lies, if anybody ever found out, he'd be in for it. He could feel himself spiralling, but was too exhausted to stop himself. This sort of thing would always happen to him, he'd be having a good time, then remind himself about why he shouldn't be and his mind would take him further until it all pent up like it had last week. He had never had a panic attack, but he always just stopped smiling and speaking, maybe eating. These thing were always too subtle for people to notice, and so he'd always feel alone. He never wanted to a be a nuisance and ask for help, he always thought it would seem that way to others, and so he just internalised the pain.

It must have been different that time, though, because after he called for a break, Roger pulled him aside and got him to talk. It was nice to finally open up about these things. He felt terrible selfish, like he was just emptying his responsibilities onto Roger, but he didn't want his younger brother to feel like he was going to lock everybody out again.

Walking back downstairs to join the rest of his family, he really saw them all together. His eyes were a bit teary from his chat with Roger, and he really hoped they wouldn't noticed. They did, though, and Brian saw John nudge Freddie, pointing his head in the direction of Brian. He really wished he wouldn't, but it was nice to know they cared so much. Freddie shot Roger a concerned look, and Roger told him everything was fine.

It was so nice to have a family dinner. Brian knew that he would always have times where he would feel really sad, but he would always have his family, no matter what. He decided he'd never give up on himself, because that would mean giving up on his family. He would walk through hell if it meant his family were happy, and he promised himself he would never try to hurt anyone, including himself, ever again.


End file.
